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And the Music Goes On…

I know I should be studying for my physics midterm right now, but something has been on my mind for the past few days, and where better to talk about it than here? (That’s the right “than”, right?)

As I mentioned before, my band’s drummer is heading off to SUNY Buffalo to pursue his medical career. And, again, as I mentioned before, I have the utmost joy and pride in him. I’ve seen him grow into a great person these past few years. But what I was worried about was the band. Are we done? Do we somehow continue without him? 

Regardless of whatever we do, I can say this for sure: My musical career is far from over. I’m too damn good at an instrument not many people appreciate anymore, even being as vital as it is. I know I’ll find something kick-ass to work on/with next. There’s no point in letting my skill go to waste.

As much as I would love for Arsenal to continue on, as a musician I have to grow. So if the opportunity arises after Arsenal is finished, if it’s finished, I’ll be sure to take it. I love writing music and lyrics, love performing live, and I just love the environment in general. It’s amazing; it’s changed me into the person I’ve become today. And for that I am forever thankful.

And now off to study some physics while watching Counting Cars.

 

But until then…

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That kind of day…

First of all, my prayers go out to the victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing… what a disgrace. Here the great city of Boston is holding a marathon, partly in honor of Newtown, and here you have some ignorant (excuse my langauge) fucktard/s doing something like this. Whoever did this, I hope he/she/they pay… And thank you to the first responders, or anyone for that matter, who went in and helped those in pain, and helped the hundreds or maybe even thousands of people get to safety. Those are the real heros, ladies and gentleman…

Aside from this horrible, horrible tragedy, today was just another off day. I’m definitely over the chick now, for sure. But I find myself battling small bouts of depression throughout the day. I do what I can to fight them off: music, distracting myself, etc. And a good half of the time, thankfully, they work, and I’m going to keep doing that and hopefully alleviate myself from these thoughts.

But when they hit, and I can’t fight them off, the world just seems different.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I remember being a happier child. Sure I’d get sad every now and then. But it wasn’t like these “episodes,” if you will. I’m sure they won’t last forever. I’m sure it just comes with the “sucky” situation that I’m going in and out of, you know?

So I’m keeping my head held as high as I can. I got my music, I got my weight room in my building, and most of all, I have my thoughts. For good or for bad, it’s always nice just to escape into my thoughts. It’s just me in there, alone, and just reflecting on myself. And do you ever have those moments where you want to cry but you can’t? Well I had one of those tonight, it felt weird…

And I think that’s it for today. Again, my prayers are out to any injured and anyone who lost a loved one in the bombing. Although not a Boston native, I’m a huge Boston sports fan. In no way am I saying that I am suffering just because of that. But I know that Boston, and all of New England, can and will come together in times of tragedy. It’s one of the many things I love about Boston, and New England all together. So send your prayers people…

Have I ever gone over my religious views here? I might as well. I believe in God, and that’s it. I was raised Jewish, but I don’t practice anymore. Honestly, I just can’t get into the organized religion anymore. I’m fine with the spiritual connection that I have. I don’t discriminate against other faiths though. And being a history guy, I don’t mind discussing them either.

Now I think that’s it! Wish me luck on my Physics midterm…

But until then…

And Another Sleepless Night…

“Not gonna lie… I miss being romanced” tweeted the bitch on Twitter. It’s like, really? You post that? Really?

I think it’s safe to say I’m not completely over her yet… I’ve been trying to just forget it, and for the most part it’s worked. But those nights… those lonely, lonely nights… No amount of music, no amount of drugs, not even a relaxing cigar could make me forget about how much of a bitch she is.

Why do women have to be so hard in general? You would think that they would be easier to deal with once you’re in the real world, if you consider college the real world anyways. All I want is a nice, easy to deal with women that’s compatible. Does that mean her and I are in it for the long run? If it happens that way, so be it. But I just want to find someone good, that’s all.

But that’s all I needed to write for now. Just had to get that off of my chest. And I’m sure I’ll write again soon.

 

But until then…

And on the Fifth Night…

Well I told my dad…

Told him that mom couldn’t afford the allowance… It went a lot smoother than I thought it was going to. I don’t want to go into details, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. But I also have a strong suspicion another one is going to be dropped back on any day now.

And as for the chick, she was most likely playing me… as usual. I’m over it now, after four nights of complete breakdowns though. It wasn’t so much her though as it was the situation. 

I’m feeling better though, about everything. I’m going to try and keep the positivity going too. We’ll see how that goes though.

And for the people who have been reading this, if anyone has been reading this: Thank you. I know I said in the beginning that I’d be more comfortable if nobody saw these posts, but it’s nice to know that I can be heard even if only by a small group of people. I might as well talk about myself for a bit since I’m here and don’t feel like studying for the physics midterm. I’m a Forensic Science Major going on my third year this fall. I’ve been playing the bass guitar since the summer of ’09. You know about my band, whose show is being live streamed on 4/20 for those interested (I’ll post the link here somewhere). I love most types of music, especially the old stuff. And when I say old music, I mean anywhere from classical to heavy metal. Like, come on, who doesn’t enjoy a good sonata every now and then? I sounded completely pretentious there, I swear I’m not though! I played piano for a while before the bass guitar and some of that still sticks with me.

And going all the way back to my first post, I am a huge New England Patriots fan! But I love football all together, both college and professional. I’ve been rediscovering my interest in baseball. Go Mets and Red Sox! And I completely HATE the yankees… Don’t know why, but I just do… Basketball has been garnering my interest as well. Celtics and Spurs fan! Occasionally OKC as well. And I’ll dabble in hockey too. Bruins and Red Wings. I’ve covered all the major American sports right?

And I’m a huge believer in the paranormal. Well it’s not really believing because ghosts/spirits are real. I’ve had a couple of paranormal experiences that i’ll explain at a latter date being that I have to go study soon. But that shit’s real.

And yeah, I used to write a lot. Stories, songs, etc, etc. It’s been a while though… I should pick that back up.

Now I think that’s it. Wouldn’t mind hearing from any of you readers if you actually read these posts. Always interested in talking to new people every now and then!

 

But until then…

Bad Luck and Bitches

Like the title? That’ll probably be the title of my memoirs.

So I’m in a bad place right now, let’s just skip to that, and to the point where I’ve broken down twice already. And through all of the shit I’ve been going through, I haven’t broken down at all for a good long while now. So that’s saying something.

Aren’t we in college here? Like, what the hell is up with this shit? The last thing that I want to deal with right now is drama. Seriously, keep that in fucking high school. Is this some sort of “karmatic” payback for not having to deal with any of this in high school? 

If you don’t want to go out of whatever, just say so you bitch. Like their’s a part of me that she actually wants to do something about it. But my record, and a majority consensus of friends say that she’s just playing me, I doubt it. But if she wants to play games, fuck, let’s play some fucking games. Honest to God, I’m the last person you want to play games with. And I don’t lose, you bitch. 

(Man, how much will I regret this if she actually wants to hang out over the weekend and isn’t using her family as a bullshit excuse??)

LIke, why does it have to be this hard? How hard is it to find a nice girl to be with? Why do they all have to be fucked up in certain ways? Why can’t it be simple? I hate this. Why do I have to deal with this shit? It’s not worth it.

Nothing’s worth it anymore. My family, this chick, everything. I don’t know why this chick is getting to me and fucking me up as much as she is. Maybe she’s just the straw that breaks the camels back. Maybe it’s just everything pent up and I broke…

I don’t know. But come this weekend and nothing happens, I’m fucking done. “Yeah, my parentss said noo :/”

“Oh, well it happens” or “Oh, well another time” or “Oh well”

And that’s it. Done with her, done with women, and I’m just done. But if I get to use my “You win some and you lose some” line, that’ll cheer me up a bit…

 

But until then…

Today was the Tuesday

Yes, I know it’s Monday, but it went down today…

Her and I were texting back and forth during the day. I asked her if we were still good for Tuesday. She said she couldn’t because she had some proposal to work on due Friday. Right here is where I went into def con 3 mode. So, after talking to a friend or two, I ask what she was doing this weekend, and she said studying for physics. So then I asked (ripping the band aid off here) if she wanted to get coffee and study together on Saturday. This is where the debacle begins. But please follow the story, there are ups and downs here, and it doesn’t end bad, at least I think.

I get two texts meant for her friend. One saying, “FMLFMLFMLFMLFML” and a picture of the text I sent her… Right there is when I was thinkingfuck this, I’m out. So I’m on my way to this spot I have in the middle of the Hudson River when I get two texts saying Lmao and Sorry, that was meant for my friend. I sent, “it’s all good haha.”

Now I should note, I have this BS line I used when, after getting rejected, a girl asks if i’m alright. Only a few people know of this line, so when I use it and whoever doesn’t know believe, it’s a bit relieving that i’m lying to their face. But I didn’t get to use it, fortunately.

I then get four texts in a row saying something along the lines of Im, i was suppose to hang with my friend and i’m trying to get out of it and i just did so we’re good. Right there I was really, really confused. Like, what the hell just happened? Does she want to? Does she not want to?

So I asked, “Oh, ok. So are we good for Saturday?” And she said (and this is where a couple of my friends are feeling iffy on), “Yeah, i just gotta make sure its ok with the famss”

A massive sigh of relief I had. It lasted roughly the whole day until a friend of mine pointed out something. They use their parents as an excuse to get out of something… And here we are now!

I have no idea what to think. This whole day has just been weird. I’ve been in a good mood, sunk into a depression twice, and now I’m just back where I was this morning, cautious. I’m treading lightly around this whole situation, because my record seems to disagree with the positive thoughts I have…

But there you have it. What went down today… We talked for a while after that until my phone died, and we’re kind of talking right now. So assuming that she wanted to get out of hanging out with her friend and not bullshitting me, I think it’ll happen…

But until then…

 

**UPDATED**

After having some more time to think, and getting some mixed reactions from more people, I think I’m gonna be positive about this. It could happen. But it sucks because I’m back where I started: confused, cautious, and nervous… Anyways… go Michigan!

A Day of Stress

Well I know I said I’d write another one when Tuesday came around, but this day was too stressful to wait until then. I feel safer writing here than talking to my mom, dad, and anyone for that matter…

So it began after History class today. I had a Forensic Advisement session with my organic chemistry II lecture professor. It’s basically a session where you talk about what you’re suppose to do for the last years of your major. I thought I already knew what I was going to do, so this was a mind opener for me.

Turns out, taking Instrumental Analysis and Physical Chemistry in the same semester isn’t recommended. According to my professor, I’ll be in the lab for Instrumental for a long, long time. Because of this, I wouldn’t have anytime to tackle PCHEM, let alone Biochemistry along with Instrumental 2 in the spring…

And that’s where it began. My four year plan had gone straight out the window. I knew most people finished it in five years, but I remained optimistic, for money sake and for my sake. Like, an extra two semesters would cost my family, well my dad really but that’s for a different paragraph, and myself more money. And my parents expect me to finish in four years, so when I tell them five… Well, my mom will probably be fine with it, but my dad is gonna flip a shit, even though he can clearly help me pay for it.

Alright, I might as well go into the money thing here. Note: my parents are divorced, finally. From what I understand, my dad won’t pay child support. Why? Because, and again, just from speculation and bits and pieces of what I’m hearing, he’s still on the mortgage and he doesn’t feel like he has to… Like, really? What the fuck, dad? And my mom is barely getting by with my sister, whose in 10th grade, as it is. And apparently his lawyer wants her to sign some agreement where if she doesn’t pay off her “share” of the mortgage, she has to sell the house. And she definitely cannot afford New York prices, especially Long Island ones. So she would have to move way south, like South Carolina near my aunt and grandmother. And my mom definitely doesn’t want to do that. How do I know that? She told me was she broke down while we were attempting to change the locks the night before we left for South Carolina…

And to top it all off, my dad still expects mom to pay her share of my allowance… And he’s always telling me, “remind your mother about the allowance” or, “make sure you get your allowance.” And it sucks because I have to keep pretending that I’m forgetting to do it. And i know that it’ll come to a point where I’ll have to flip out on my dad and tell him everything. But if I do that, he’ll get angry and my mother and start harassing her via text and email again. And when he does that and my mom breaks down more, I’ll have to kick his ass.

And I fucking mean it to. I’m literally going to kick the living shit out of him one day. He’s my dad and all, and I love him at times, but he’s a little bitch in the end. There’s going to be a point where that’s what I have to resort to. Hell, I had to yell at him b/c he was threatening not to take my sister on a skiing trip because she was treating him “unfairly.” First of all, she’s your daughter, she’s gonna be a bitch sometimes. And second of all, look what you’re putting her through, us through. Now’s not the time to “stand up against her.” One day… one day.

Alright, back to my day. After that part of the advisement session, she started talking about FOS 401 and 402, Laboratory Internship and Research Experience, respectively. I want to do 401, but she began to talk about 402, as if she assumed I wanted to take it. I was like (paraphrasing, of couse), “Well what if I want to do 401 instead?” She gave me a guys name, and I said, “Alright, i’ll email him.” She said, “Good luck.”

Great… another person and John Jay who doesn’t answer their email… Just what I need right now, right? And apparently it takes a year or so to get this thing set up… Really? Why weren’t we told this at some kind of orientation or anything…

Oh, and another thing going back to the classes. I don’t live in the city full time. I just have a dorm from August to May. Which is why I can’t take summer classes unless they’re online, which puts a huge kink in a lot of things apparently. So I’m working around that.

Anyways, I just sent an email to the guy in-between a few paragraphs ago. Worse comes to worse, I’ll find his office and talk to him in person.

Ok, so I’ve talked about the classes, internship, money situation, kicking the shit out of my dad. So I guess what’s left is my test grade.

Since it so happens that my advisement sessions was with my orgo II lecture professor, I was able to get my grade from her. Now I thought I did well on this test. But I also knew this was a trap test. It may seem easy, but it’s really not. I was slightly right. I got a 77. Not horrible, but not what I expected. My test average is still around an 80, which is fine. But still, I expect a lot more out of myself. I didn’t think thoroughly through some multiple choice questions, even though I only got 3 or 4 wrong, and it screwed me over. I don’t know, I just blank out on some tests sometimes. But as long as I can keep my lab average up, I can still land in the B range again.

But since I was down to begin with, this grade got me thinking what the hell I was doing with my life. Like, I’m good and confident in science. Give me some lab work, and I’ll get it done with ease. But I’m great and love history, I’m amazing at music, I’m a good writer, so why did I choose science to major it? I’m over it now, but it was just a low day. And those are thrown at you, some more than others unfortunately. “But what don’t kill ya, make ya more strong,” in the wrongs of James Hetfield…

Well I think I’m done for now. And this time I’m sure the next blog will be Tuesday after I ask her out.

But until then…

 

*UPDATE*

 

So I had to call my dad to talk about if he could bring me to the train station Sunday night after band practice, and he asked about the allowance. I bullshited my way out of it, and I’m pretty sure he knew it. I don’t know how much longer I can bullshit until everything falls through…