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It’s Been a Long While

August 7, 2014

It’s been what, over a year or so since I’ve last written something? And usually when I did I had a problem or two to write about?

Well, here I am again…

I’ve had this girlfriend (two years younger than me) of about eight months or so. I wanted this chick so bad, I wanted just to be with her. She had some kind of hypnotic effect on me, the connection I felt with her was so strong, it felt like you could cut it with a knife. But here’s the ridiculous part: she was the LAST person who wanted to be in a relationship. She hates people and had the HUGEST emotional wall up; it was like scaling Mt. Everest with just an ice pick. Ridiculous, right? Well after months of waiting and her FINALLY admitting she had feelings for me, we started going out.

So it’s eight months later, and after finally getting the girl who I wanted so bad, things should be going smoothly, right?

Well, the relationship hasn’t been perfect. But before I go on, I just want you (all?) to understand that the moment I type this out and hit send, these problems become more real. I have the irrational mindset that if I don’t say the problems out loud, it’s all just in my head and cannot be feasible. I say more real because I was talking to my older brother about this the other night, so I guess my theory is out the window.

So problem one, and two technically because they go around the same time frame: For the first couple months of our relationship, that Mt. Everest size wall was still up, but I had made it up about half way with that ice pick. At times she couldn’t have been more cold-hearted. It was ridiculous. Here I cared for this girl so much, all of our friends saw it, and she was just plain cold. Yeah, she had some problems in high school (best friend not feeling the way she does, not having many friends, etc, etc), but still, a little care would’ve been nice.

But then, the wall broke down. I finally got to see the real her; she said she loved me. It was great. But now I’m going to interrupt the story line with a very big subplot. One that I think changes everything for me.

About a month or so ago I get an overemotional voice-mail from her (yes, she can over-emotional, along with a few other things, more on that later) saying that she fucked up with something. She was in tears, and I figured it was just her apologizing for something she had no need to apologize for. Well I get home, and we chat. Turns out she kissed a friend of hers about a month or so into the relationship…

The one rule I made myself was to end it with a cheater, but I didn’t. This kiss meant “nothing” and she’s felt horrible since. She hasn’t talked to the guy since, and she never will if I have anything to do about it. How could she? That once cold hearted bitch had no regards for my feelings and kisses another guy. It’s funny too, because the day it happened the guy took her phone and texted me some stupid shit. Had I known… that guy may not have had the face to kiss her after I got there.

It’s complete bullshit. If memory serves me correctly, the wall started to come down AFTER the kiss. From my perspective, it was probably out of guilt. I went off on her so many times. I yelled, screamed, cursed her out so many times. I should have broken up with her, but I didn’t.

I felt bad. She’s so much different than she was then. She really, REALLY loves me. She can get so overemotional about it, so over dramatic at times. Honestly, it’s getting annoying to a point.

For example: I warned her that this summer was going to be different than these past two semesters. I had an internship which required ALL of my summer break, so there would hardly be anytime for me to see her since she lived about 1 hour away. PLUS I had to get a weekend job since the internship was unpaid.

We were both upset at it this past May. It’s understandable. But she’s still in tears about it, and we only have three weeks left until the semester… Like, come on now. Get real here. I get that you were spoiled since I was only 5 floors away at the dorms, and now we’re about 1 hour apart, but there’s only a few weeks left.

And then, oh, and get this, she goes to insinuate that I don’t care about the relationship; how I never want to do anything. 1. you kissed another guy, shut the fuck up. 2. I warned you what this summer was going to be. this is important to my career with only 1 year of school left. I’m not going to suggest we do things if I know we cannot do them. We only have a few weeks left before everything is back to normal, so calm the fuck down…

And I flat out told her why I was afraid to end it with her. I was afraid that she was going to off herself if we did. She can just get so over emotional and over dramatic, she made me think that. She FINALLY took a step back and realized what she was doing…

I don’t know with this chick, I really don’t. Sometimes I want to end it, sometimes I don’t. I know there’s absolutely NO future with her post-college (for me, at least). She wants to go into the services, and have no kids and definitely not marriage. Now I get that I’m young (20) and shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. And I’m not, but the fact that there definitely isn’t, it lessens the incentive to stay with her longer.

I don’t know. We just hung out today and everything was fun, as if all of my problems with her went away. I don’t know what to do. I’m probably going to give it a month or so into the semester and go from there.


But until next time…


OH, and I might have a crush on someone I knew for a couple of months. Know nothing is going to happen, but still, she’s in my head somewhere…


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